I've been seeing a therapist for quite a while now. One of my main goals is/was to not become a bitter old woman. I see lots of older people who have that crotchety bitter attitude and I don't want to live that way. But, I am at that moment. I sit here, in the last 15 minutes of 2025, writing this, and alone.
Loneliness sucks. It's awful, and it's bitter because I don't want to be alone. I want someone or someones to hug and kiss and say 'happy new year!' when the clock strikes midnight. I want that. And I feel totally abandoned, with tears in my eyes as I type this, and that abandon-er is NOT alone. He is with friends, possibly mourning the loss of the Buckeyes, or just having a light evening, or who-knows-what, but he is not alone. Me? I went to work and came home to an empty place to feel the hollowness of the last minutes of 2025. I'm still angry. I'm still bitter. It's moments like this I feel like therapy isn't working for me. Nothing has changed in my heart. I want to be grateful for what I have. My children are making their way in the world. They are likely spending the evening with their people. I have a roof over my head, heat, and food in the cabinets. I have a job that pays the bills. So why am I crying??
Loneliness. My coworkers went home to their people. The guys who came in to relieve my shift had just come from their people. The shift that I relieved went home to their people. I watched the game largely by myself at work, in between tasks and tests. It was lonely with no one to cheer with or at. Cursing at referees alone is simply expending negative energy for no good reason. But here's that moment. The
loneliness that causes the bitter. The way I don't want to be. The spite and anger take over and I try to let it go because I know it doesn't help anything. But then, if I let it go, the tears still flow and for no "good" reason. Why am I crying if I've let the negativity go? Because it's still there. Still. Older people alone in their homes or apartments, are you bitter? Even those folks that say they want to be alone seem bitter. When Gabrielle was just around a year old, we used to walk over to an older lady's home across the alley, to occasionally visit and chat. She belonged to the nearby Catholic church and I'd offer to take her over to the church when she couldn't make it herself. I think she was in her 80s back then, and she was alone. Her long time husband had passed and their dry cleaning business gone. She didn't seem bitter but I sensed her loneliness. I felt kind of like we let her down when we moved away. I didn't want her to feel so lonely. I wonder if bitterness crept in after we left. We've been having some weather tonight. Snow and sleet has a way of driving people to safety or into the comfort of the home. For me, it feels more
isolated. Be home. Be safe. Be alone. I'll have plenty to talk to my therapist about. How can I enjoy being alone? Enjoy my own company? (asked with great eye-rolling) It just leads me to think in the silence. Think about my sadness and anger. Mourn, again, my future loss. I think about how I can get past being the graying bitter woman that I don't want to be, but the blessings I try to count feel just out of reach. I chase them but they run too fast. I feel unwanted by all that is important to me. Please, keep the aging people in your lives from feeling like this. Visit or call. Don't send an email because hearing the voices of people you care about fills the void so much better. It feels more intentional. Don't let them get
lonely, and isolated. Give them hope, and a purpose. And help them chase the bitterness away.
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