On being an un-single mom....

Let me start off by saying, I realize, very clearly, that I live a blessed and fortunate life. I and my three children are lucky to have a husband and father who cares and takes care of us. He busts his butt to provide for us and be a well-rounded person and supportive as much as possible. He had to take a job out of state in 2014, and before that, his local job often took him out of state and out of the country-sometimes for up to 1 to 2 weeks at a time. It’s part of the corporate and manufacturing world. Even when he was home, he worked long hours.

Often, since 2006, I have had to be the only ‘available’ parent to our three creative and busy children. The three of them came to us in just under 4 years. (yes, I know what causes that, despite my attempts to plan their arrivals!) It’s hard. It’s a lot of work. It’s tough to try to raise them to be well-adjusted smart kids. And it’s tough to do it alone at times. Don’t blame my husband! He has worked hard to get where he’s at and he has taken a lot of compromises to be here as much as possible, even when it meant he couldn’t advance in his career. I don’t blame him and I want him to be satisfied with his work. G-d knows he has to keep doing it. Despite all that, we still live paycheck-to-paycheck, mostly because we live in a community that was greatly affected by the housing bubble and the economic troubles in the last 8 years, but also because of his career sacrifices to be with us.

Why am I telling you this? Because I get stressed out sometimes. Because I worry about a lot. Because I’m frequently alone and sometimes I just need to get it out. I’ll survive but sometimes I could just use an ear, ya’ know? My main contact with most adults is via Facebook (not a great place for that) and it’s so easy for “friends” to be critical there.

A few years back, I was complaining about being “a single mom” and one of my FB “friends” decided to (not directly to me, of course) go on a rant about how those of us that aren’t actually single should shut up about it and that, because she was truly a single parent to a child, we couldn’t really understand what that was like. That we (the un-single) had no room to complain. That our worries and stress were somehow less than hers, and that she was sick of un-single women complaining about parenting by themselves. I was quite hurt by all that.

You know what, FB friends, parenting alone regardless of one’s marital status is hard. And instead of tearing each other down as moms, why can’t we just find helpful supportive words instead? And of course, it’s not limited to moms; there are plenty of men in the same position. I just happen to not know many, but they are an unsung minority. Anyway...

I could have used a tip or a comment of hope or something that truly single parents do to muddle through. But, no. I could have used an “I hear ya”, but , no.

I make most of the decisions myself. I run our house by myself (except when my husband is occasionally home and even then mostly), I pay our bills by myself, I am the errand do-er, chore person, activity runner, laundry washer, dish loader, pet feeder, bill payer, first aid administrator, sex-ed teacher, long range planner, teeth brushing monitor…everything, by myself. Yes, my husband works and the money goes into a bank account and I send it all out on bills, like anyone else. Yes, I am not going to work 9-5 and then coming home to take care of myself and one child, but when my three children come home from school and all weekend, until they go to bed, it’s all me. Sometimes in the middle of the night, too. I do it all. I am not taking care of only myself and a kid. I’m taking care of myself, my husband when he’s here and my three children. I exercise A LOT to stay fit enough to keep up, which is getting very hard as I age, and I try to maintain my musicianship as much as possible – I try to maintain my sense of self as well as nurture everyone else’s senses of self. (is that even grammatically correct??) It’s hard.

Mothers need each other. We need to help each other, even if it means that someone is complaining and you know their life isn’t nearly as hard as yours. We can’t tear each other down just because we are feeling down, the world is too harsh as it is. Mostly we just need a listening ear since we are all too often islands in this world. We need someone to say “keep going, it’ll get better” instead of snarky vague aimless rants. And mostly, I would have wanted support from someone I thought was in my community, in my corner, instead of what I did get. It hurt. I didn’t tell her –it wouldn’t have done anything but created even more hard feelings and I wasn’t looking to do that. I just want people to help each other. I would want her to know but I'm sure I'm hidden so she doesn't have to see me.

We just need each other.