Lately, I just have nothing nice to say, about most topics. This has some to do with politics, but mostly about my own life. The last two years have been ugly. Ugly ugly. I began seeing a therapist to navigate these life changes, but I didn't want to become a bitter old woman. "How can I do all this and not become bitter?" "I'm tired of being unhappy." "When can I be happy?" I don't have tears every day now; I have tears many days, though. I have grief most days. I have fear most days. I am overwhelmed most days.
I was also taught that what goes around, comes around. I truly believe (believed?) that and I wonder which thing I did in my distant past has brought these life changes around. What should I have changed, avoided, said, not said, did, not did, worn, not worn, felt, not felt.....it's a vicious circle. I'm not sure that philosophy is very productive or helpful but I can't help but believe it since it was ingrained in me by my grandmother from a young age.There are plenty of schmucks in the world who seem to live without ugly consequences for their misdeeds. How do they get a pass?
How can one work so hard to reach a goal, only to be tossed like a feather in the wind? It's unfair. It hurts. And it leaves me silent. No body truly truly wants to hear a sob-story from someone else, unless they're being paid. Enter, the therapist. It's not a satisfying, however, because the therapist can't really feel the rage and betrayal that a familiar friend can. They just sit and nod and parrot and take notes. A familiar friend can rage alongside you, can cry real tears with you. But even the best friends get tired with- and for you and of trying to help shoulder the ugly. It's really not fair to spread that awfulness around, even with that familiar friend who asks to help and support. They still get tired. Just like I'm tired. The therapist listens and listens while I process and rehash, but it's not as satisfying as I would like. "How can I reach a goal when the goal line picks up and moves away?" I keep re-living and re-hashing.
So, I just need to shut up. No one wants to hear the ugly details. No one wants to really know. It's sad, truly. And we wonder why there's such an epidemic of loneliness in the world. I'm lonely. I'm alone AND lonely. Everyone wants to stay out of everyone else's business, except when they're a keyboard warrior on social media, and no one wants to pick sides in a situation, except then they honestly don't have to buy in as a keyboard warrior on social media. So, we avoid our neighbors but barge in on international conversations we know nothing about.
But, for those who ask, I speak carefully so as not to become a villain in my own story. And not tire everyone out. I'm just negative. All. The. Time. I don't like it - I just can't see the silver lining. I can't see the end of the tunnel. I can't find a blessing. "When will I be happy?" "When can I stop crying?"
My home is not my home. My career is not my career. My community turned out to not be my community. Words ring empty. Colors are dull. Loneliness is my mountain each day. To those who are getting their revenge on me: I hope you're happy.
