My kid should be there, marching and playing and hosting, but he is not. When the sounds of some band's drums penetrated our walls, I made the comment, "boy, those drums are loud." My boy said, "What is that?" and I replied, "That's over at the high school." A few minutes later, he got up from his computer and announced, "Mom, I'm going for a bike ride." I said "okay" without trying to sound worried. I am worried -very worried.
"Did it stop raining?" he asked. "I don't know," I reply and then he was gone.
My son appears fine on the outside but I know that inside he is hurting and lost. The musical activity he's been part of for six public-school years has squeezed him out. The people he thought were his friends have betrayed him or they avoid him as if he has leprosy. Now, without his school activity and a friend group, he's trying to hang on to the rest of his senior year of high school. This is not the way any of us thought this would go. He's been disinvited from his former life.
Bullies are awful. It's so easy now for kids under 18 to get away with saying anything that can put someone else in danger. It's all chalked up to learning how to 'be' in the world. I say it's bullshit. Just like you can't yell "fire" in a movie theater without consequences, kids need to learn that you can't smear someone's reputation with nasty vagaries just because you don't like someone or you want to get someone back because so-and-so said you're ugly and your momma dresses you funny. My kid's school is the type that houses children with families that have a lot more than that which they do not. These kids know exactly what to say and how to go about ruining things for others and they have the wherewithal and tools to do it. They can be the 'assholes' that you encounter on the freeway or in the shopping mall. Of course, not all the kids are like at, but the ones that are, are the ones we ALL have to live with and they make us want to run away to become a hermit. My son is the target of some of those kids. Yes, there are other kids who have been the targets, too, and it's all just heartbreaking. The school administration is more complicit than I ever thought. Their policy says a child can be suspended if other students make a report that disrupts the school day, about that student. Including for information that is not true and can be shown to be untrue. It invites students to make life difficult for others and it leads to many students clamming up so the school day isn't disrupted. Kids just have to "take it". Does the school board know about this? I assume, since they approved the policy. So far the administration has not taken steps to defuse this vindictive group of students. I talked to the police about real physical threats....haven't heard back. I called another parent to ask for help from their senior that has access to the 'rumor mill'....haven't heard back. The administration is saying nearly nothing. All my son's teachers love him: he shows up on time, does his schoolwork and does it well, is polite, doesn't have negative interactions with other students, and takes direction easily but....they say to let them know if they can help. I said "yes, tell the principals about him" and the response is "I hope it works out." And that is about as good as nothing. It is true that I am not disclosing the whole story here. Trust me, the whole story is uglier than what I've written but I'm just not going to go into all the details here. This writing is mostly for own sake. There's no one who seems to want to listen.
But what's the worst is that my kid is lost. He's rejected over false statements that other kids believed. Regardless of the fact that there is proof (including video) to the contrary, nothing has changed. His identity group disowned him. This activity that he is so amazingly good at may now be lost because it's, I imagine, so painful to want to pick up sticks that may break his bones. He was starting, actually, to get a bit more into it after we just bought a new set of cymbals for an upcoming show and then the rug was pulled out from under him.
I will also admit that I feel betrayed, too. It's harder now for me to stay involved at our local school district because I work full-time outside our district. I used to get asked to help out. Music is...er...was, my thing. I was a band director, too, but I was subtly pushed out after raising my children. I enjoyed teaching kids how to be successful on their instrument and with music, even if it was just a few hours here and there. I don't get asked anymore. Fewer and fewer people recognize my ability to contribute. Selfishly, I'm so sad that I am not watching my kid tonight and analyzing, critiquing, clapping, and cheering for the eight bands entertaining the crowd. I am mourning the premature exclusion from the event; I have no more children that will participate after my youngest graduates.
I can still hear the drums and tears flow. It's all so heartrending. Like being disinvited to your own concert.
