So, today was a meeting with parents of kids who are "on track" in preparation for their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. Shirly, the education director, gave long explanations about the qualifications of our teachers, the advanced training of the staff, the newer technology available to the students, the variety of course offerings that the high school kids have to choose from...essentially, all there is to know about how great our Hebrew school is. Now, you have to know, that she has a captive audience. It's required for this age of students to attend Hebrew school so they can have a Shabbat morning Bar or Bat Mizvah at our shul. They need 75% attendance, too. My older two kids had no problem with that. My first kid was a pleaser and she seemed to love synagogue stuff. She picked up Hebrew easily at the Day School, she knew the prayers and seemed comfortable leading services even though inside she was a nervous wreck. She even likes Hebrew high school now, which is not required for anything specific except being connected to Judaism, which is of utmost importance to me and the community. My middle kid is now nine months past her Bat Mitzvah. She hated it. Hated services because they were boring. Hated getting up to go to synagogue. Hated Hebrew. She was, however, good at all of it. She (secretly) knew the prayers and what to do and how to do it and did beautifully leading services. My third kid is in 6th grade. And also hates all of it. Says he's bored. Says he knows everything and that it's a waste of time and doesn't even want a Bar Mitzvah. I've also made him aware that attending and doing it are not a choice. He will go and he will have a Bar Mitzvah, whether he likes it or not. I told him to find some joy in it somewhere, somehow, and that I didn't care how. He just grunted.
So, there we were listening to it all: me, for the 3rd time. My mind was wandering even though I tried hard not to let it, and then I see that guy across from me. I squinted hard at him (I hope he didn't see me), because I left my glasses in the car. I recognized him from High Holiday services. He gets an aliyah every year at an "important time" in the service. Now, hold on, I'm not making any judgements here. Don't go assuming anything I'm not saying. I don't go to shul every day or even every week but we go mostly on Saturdays and I only remember him from Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur, or maybe both? I can see him well because when I sing in the choir, I get to sit on the bima and I can see everyone who comes up. It's quite entertaining really. So maybe he goes to Shabbat or weekday services and I just didn't see him then. Maybe he comes Friday night and I don't see him because I despise driving down to shul during Friday rush hour from one of busier quadrants of the county. I just don't remember him from Shabbat services I've attended. In my head, I'm trying not to make an assumption about him. I wonder who his wife or the mother of his kid is. Anyway, we come to the end for questions and answers (maybe) and he asks the question that EVERYONE has. All. The Time. And it's volatile. It's raw. And it's a reflection of problems that synagogues all across the country are having. He said something like, "So what do I do when my kid hates coming to Hebrew school and wants to stop as soon as his or her Bar or Bat Mitzvah is over?" (I added the 'or' because I don't even know who his kid is) Everyone shifts in their seats.
Poor Shirly has to field this question. All. The. Time. And there is no right answer. Yes, kids today tend not to identify well with living a religiously observant life. We live in a secular society that really is more Christian than anything and I'll admit, I'm always feeling like a salmon swimming upstream when it comes to incorporating Judaism when my oldest plays volleyball and tourneys are on Saturdays. My middle rides horses and shows are always on, you guessed it, Shabbat, and they serve ham and cheese sandwiches and pork rinds at lunch concessions. Obviously, none of that will change because of us and it is our choice to be doing the things we are doing. I'm a musician and when do you think performances are in the United States of America?? It's a case of "we are good at these things, we love them, and we can't change when they happen." Yes, there are many observant Jews who forgo these kinds of activities to properly observe Shabbat and kashrut and all that. We don't eat the ham and cheese, we bring our own food, and if we have a choice, we choose better than when we don't get to choose. It's my/our choice to participate and I am always torn by it. But it's not Shirly's fault. It's not Shirly's fault if a kid doesn't like Hebrew school and doesn't want to go. It seems that many parents think if the curriculum were more like fun camp or constant excitement for the 3 1/2 to 5 1/2 hours they see her A WEEK, that all would be cured. It's just not the case.
Sadly, I've decided there just is no one right answer. I firmly believe the teachers make it as fun and creative as possible and some teachers are better than others at it, of course. Sometimes the kid just HAS to go. And the parent HAS to show some interest. If I'm not a firm believer in it, my kid won't be either. If I don't go, the kids won't want to go either. And, here's the real kicker: If we don't do anything "Jewish" at home, then no one will identify with being Jewish. The parents complaining that his or her kid thinks Hebrew school stinks and doesn't want to make him or her go, seems to simply want to send the kid to school and expect the establishment to "make it fun" and fix the problem. Listen, I'm not the pot calling the kettle black here. I struggle with the same things. And when I find us not connecting, I have tried just sucking it up and making sure we do some Jewish stuff. We light candles, which is hard during football season and Friday night band, I mean, football games. We do, as a rule, try to eat together as much as possible, but if I light candles, the children better damn well be at the table. We put up a Sukkah, we go to shul, we have challah and brisket (except for my vegan daughter, just ask her), and the kids go to Hebrew school. Mr. I-might-not-see-you-other-times-but-I-only-know-you-from-the-holidays guy, maybe doing more Jewishly identifying things at home is a place to try. It seems to be that the more involved families have kids that are more involved, make Jewish friends, and want to come to synagogue. So far I've been lucky. Now my middle kid going to Hebrew High School and she's choosing to do it on her own.
