Teachers leave home early, and usually get home late. They often arrive to school early, well ahead of report time, and sometimes sit in their cars until the last possible minute out in the quiet parking lot. They sit...and breathe...and mentally prepare. They'll check Facebook or email, or anything else, while they think. They steel themselves for the day. They think ahead to what's likely to happen that day. Don't get us wrong. We love teaching children and being a part of the very genesis of their blossoming education. We love being their rock, we love being their inspiration, we love helping, we love that 'ah ha!' moment.
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I steel myself. I'll sometimes sit in the parking lot a few minutes to prepare. Just today, I'll prepare myself for the myriad emails I'll sift through. The communication is wonderful but it's like a fire hose. Education is about communication and it's unavoidable. It's unavoidably necessary to do our jobs -to make sure we're all on the same page. But it's like a fire hose: it's on intensely and then it's off. And when it's off, you sit and wonder if you're suddenly missing something important and why are you not in the loop. And just when you think there's concern, it's on again. And last night a parent messaged me asking whether there is school today. Of course there is school! The kid told the parent there was a schedule change and that there was no school. I'll double check that I responded with a smiley face.
I steel myself. I'll sit in my car before I enter the building. I think. My computer is not charged because the power went out yesterday afternoon and it won't charge well anyway because the charging port is worn out and loose from overuse, and I catch myself and feel obligated to turn to positive self-talk to be grateful that I have a school provided laptop to work from. Some teachers don't have that privilege. It's exhausting to constantly monitor my metacognition.
I steel myself. As I breathe and think ahead to the day, I wonder if my supervisor will drop another unexpected bomb on me today. The stress of the anticipation is...well, stressful. I wonder what will happen, what will change, how will this effect my position, my caseload, my attitude, my ability to do my job, to succeed, whether I appear competent or incompetent. My superior wants me gone; I'm convinced. Why? Not sure. They don't like me? I'm not good enough? I'm not the right "person" (I'll leave that up to your interpretation)? Of course, the super hasn't responded to my communications so maybe that's good? Unknown. It's the unknown. And I think one of my principals doesn't like that I'm in her building because I create "problems". I'm another person to work around and another layer of compliance to consider. I don't know her well and she doesn't know me well. I have to monitor my thinking to avoid spiraling out of control and an anxious tizzy.
I steel myself. My colleagues are wonderful, for the most part. In every work environment, there's always people you wonder about. Teaching is no different. I don't have many of those but for those I suspect, I avoid. I get a feeling they want me gone, too. I'm not...something...enough. I don't have the right background, I don't make the decisions they make about students, I don't cause enough change fast enough for them to view me as effective. It's always something, isn't it? "Well, look at me, I have this certification and training! What's wrong with you? Why aren't you as good at this as I?" No one ever directly says this, but when we're in a meeting with 10 other teachers, it comes out in sideways comments. I feel like I am constantly in graduate school, trying to compete, to know enough to be effective, to cause the change that needs to be changed. I guess 10 years of schooling isn't enough yet. I do like school (when I have the time to dedicate to it) --I want to be up-to-date on the latest and greatest research about how to teach effectively. I have to learn how to motivate the unmotivatable, how to get kids to say what they don't want to say, get them to act in the way they refuse, how to plan for the unplannable, organize spontaneous occurrences, be ready to help support their social or emotional state, renew my license/certification, and most importantly, be better than that colleague who wants your job or just doesn't want YOU to have your job.
I steel myself. I think about the student who has such a bright future but just can't get their sh*t together. I think about the kid who I want to take home so he/she can have someone who loves and cares about whether they are wearing pants or shorts and has a coat when it's 30°. I think about never being able to hug a child who desperately needs a hug after they fall down. One of the most fulfilling feelings is when a child chooses to hug you for just being the one in the hallway, saying good morning or goodbye. I get to stand and soak it in. It's a small reward that I'm allowed to let happen because *they* initiated it -and I'm always cognizant to make sure it's on camera. Proof that I didn't do it! It's exhausting to always monitor all the moving parts of these relationships. I rarely blame students for their position. The gulf between kids who have their sh*t together and those who don't is widening. Yes, some of it is fallout from Covid, but mostly it's their homelife. The swing to child self-governance is not always a good thing and some of the families are hanging on by a thread. Much of that is due to the widening gulf between those who are "comfortable" economically and those who aren't. I don't want to regress to the 1950s but for a family to have one parent who has the time to spend with their children (and not be on their phones!) and still have economic stability would really help these children. My mind wanders....I was lucky to have had my own children before cell phones became necessary and incorporated into every living minute. I read, spoke to, sang to, played with, exercised with, and taught my own children before they stepped foot into formal schooling and their educational starting place was higher than many of the children I'm working with.....who will I rescue from an anxious crying jag in the restroom? Who will have a meltdown because they were asked to sit down and start banging their head on the cement block wall? Who will vape in the restroom? Who will get angry and flip over a desk? Daily occurrences.
I steel myself. As I'm walking into the building, I'm thinking about the new language in proposed state house bill that would remove the requirement for case load sizes and make local schools less responsible for hiring the number of needed teachers to do their jobs effectively. Our state is actively working against schools and against education. They don't want to financially support these institutions even though we, as a society DECADES AGO, determined that an educated population is better for all. No, all private schools are not the answer. No, all charter schools are not the answer. I have worked in both. Some work but many do not. The state seemingly doesn't care since utilizing private and charter schools means less regulation for them to monitor. Those schools don't need to provide enough certified teachers and can hire anyone off the street (with an easy-to-obtain alternative licensure) to educate children. Been there, seen it, and had to leave it. Politicians making decisions about education is hurting us and the outlook appears more grim. Where are the true experts making effective decisions about a societal segment that directly effects our future outcomes more than any other? My caseload is over 50 kids. Isn't that enough? How can I be effective? The blame shifts to me. I need to be better, more organized, more time planning and creating appealing lessons, more assessments, more, more, more. Do more with less. Be the expert in a 15-minute-long lesson and affect the change that needs changed.
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Walking inside the building, then another building, and another.....
I smile at the makeshift memorial for a beloved roly-poly at the base of a walkway support pole. I breathe in the fresh (for now) air streaming towards me from across the football field and up the hill. I hear a snare drum from inside the brick walls. I love that the gym teacher pulls her teaching curtain happily in the cafegymatorium to contain the flying balls. The laughter that fills the chicken-manure scented air that rips around the corner of the elementary is heavenly.
Do I have everything I need to teach? It all has to be contained in one backpack: my computer, my glasses (!), my badge, a box with pencils, markers, postits, highlighters, a notebook for paper or other transported documents...what else? I don't have a dedicated teaching space or even a desk in two of the buildings -there isn't room. I can't keep my crap anywhere. I carry a portable stool for sitting with students in the classroom. It seems I end up with planning time when my materials are in another building. I'm so glad I get 63 cents a mile....not. Two miles from one of the district to the other, a full $1.26 per day doesn't cover the wear and tear on my car or my body. There goes the negative thinking; I have to look at the bright side -at least I get mileage! I'm reminded that I need to fill in my mileage document.
What day is it? Day of the week? It's Thursday. Rotational letter day? Is it an H day or and E day? Is there a fire drill? or a lock down drill? I have to check my computer that's in my backpack, when I can find a horizontal space to look. Wait, who do I see first today? It was a great idea of mine to attach my weekly schedule on the top of my computer so I don't have to open it to remember it ALL.
Am I smiling? I feel obligated to smile all the time: I don't want to look mean, I want to be approachable by students and other teachers, I want to look like I'm enjoying my job, I want to cover the anxiety, I want to "fake it 'til I make it". Is my hair brushed? Is my blouse buttoned properly?
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Teachers are just starting their day.
